hindi na ako naniniwala sa love na yan. hindi na ko naniniwala sa existence nya at sinasabing definition nyan.
when I first found out how you felt about me, I was thrilled. It was my first time to feel such an incredible thing. I never thought that being in love with your bestfriend was possible, until you happened. our relationship was amazing, and it was everything i have ever dreamed of. comfortable ako sayo, i can share to you my secrets, you shared yours with me, you made me laugh, and i know i made you laugh as well. we sought happiness in the same things. we were supportive of each other. we were there for each other. we understood each other. there were times that we falter, pero nakaya natin lampasan. nahuli mo ako may katext dati. nahuli kita na nakikipaghalikan at nakikisiping kung kanikanino. pero wala yun, nalampasan natin yon.
then came January 2008, nung nakita yung picture mo with that nurse. i was dumbfounded. i never thought na mangyayari satin yon. to think na we spent an amazing time the day before that. nag absent tayo at nag starcity. then i saw that picture. my pain was beyond words. i can't comprehend how it happened, kasi wala akong nakitang signs na may ganun palang nangyayari. you were still sweet and still the same old you until that time. akala ko hindi na ko makakarecover. sobrang buo na sa isip ko na makikipaghiwalay ako sayo kasi sinaktan mo ko at niloko. pero apparently, hindi ko pala kaya. nung umagang yon, hanggang nung gabi, you were persistently calling and texting me, to explain what happened and at the same time to ask for my forgiveness. pero i wanted to stand firm to what i said. tama na. hindi ko na kayang tingnan ka the same way. niloko mo ako. at nasaktan ako.
pero nung nakita kita that night, lasing, umiiyak, at puno ng pagsamo ang muka, natunaw ang puso ko. bumalik sakin lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, simula nung summer of 2004 nung nag confess ka ng nararamdaman mo sakin. naisip ko, hindi ko hahayaan na masira ng basta basta ang relasyon natin. ng ganun ganun na lang. so i took you in. i even took care of you and slept beside you that night. sobbing and embracing you kasi naiinis ako na nagyari yon kasi mahal kita and what we had was really important to me.
alam mo na hindi naging madali yun para sakin, lalo na everytime pumupunta ako sa office mo at naririnig ko pa ang mga "pabiro" na comments ng officemates mo at yung iba nyo pang pictures. but i managed. i said to myself na mas importante ka at ang kung anung meron tayo kesa sa kung ano pa mang distraction na dumating satin. and so i was able to move on. i was able to give you 100% of my heart again, as well as my trust. and kahit na hanggang ngayon i still see pictures of you with other girls, iniisip ko lang na ako ang mahal mo. see how i can easily forgive you kahit may nakikita akong mga bagay na tumutusok nanaman sa puso ko.
and now, this happened to us, and this time it was because of me. mali nga yon na i became too close to a guy other than you. i understand that it was my fault. and i told you na i will maintain my distance. and i know after that there were still a couple of times na nagfalter ako. pero alam mo, hinding hindi kita ipagpapalit sa kahit kanino. and kung meron man naidulot na mabuti itong pangyayaring ito, mas nakita ko pa nga ang importansya mo sa buhay ko. mas nakita ko pa kung gano ka ka-angat sa ibang lalaki. mas nakita ko kung gano ako kaswerte kasi ikaw ang boyfriend ko ngayon. mahirap man isipin or paniwalaan, pero ikaw lang ang nagiisa para sakin. ikaw lang. and i am really doing everything to make you comfortable again. nasa opisina ako, at may mga hindi maiiwasang pagkakataon na kelangan pa rin makipagusap, pero ako alam ko sa sarili ko na walang malisya ang mga yon. at wala akong ibang hangad kundi matapos lang ang tarbaho.
at ngayon, sa totoo lang, you are giving me a hard time. i thought it is supposed to be that "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant." and all that. sabi si 1 Corinthians 13. but apparently, iba yung nangyayari pala sa totoong buhay. i tried, and i would like to believe na we tried, pero hindi pala sya posible. you are my love. and you told me that i was yours too. pero hindi nangyari ang mga bagay na ito.
anyway, hindi ko naman na gustong guluhin ko. i would just like to let you know how much i love you. and that i tried my best, but i guess it's not good enough for you. all the best. God bless you!
-Tam
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